Opening Self Up to Vulnerability

Being vulnerable and opening myself to love has never been an easy concept to me. However as of late I have reconsidered more and more accepting the idea that I'd rather get my heartbroken than regret/wonder what if. This song is perfect message offers hope that there is someone out there for all of us we just haven't met them yet but when we do we can complete each other <3 Sam Smith voice is perfect!

My friend told me an amazing quote yesterday: "The ones who love you will never leave you. Even if there are 100 reasons to give up, they will find one to hold on." It can be hard to focus on the positives when you feel like there are so many negatives. But that is the remarkable thing about our heart, no matter how broken or defeated our heart may feel it continues to beat which in itself gives us hope that the ache can only make us stronger until we find the one who will make our heart swell with joy not pain. Patience is a hard virtue to exercise. Just try to remember all the frustration, anger, sorrow is just part of the journey to reach your final destination which will lead you to someone that you will complete them as they you! 

So my what is my point to this rant? I'm learning, I'm accepting that in order to find love you have to open yourself up to heartbreak, each relationship we are fortunate to experience has something to teach us in order for us to discover who we are as a partner and what we want in one!  

Peace Corps Invitation Take 2

It has been a long journey since I applied to the Peace Corps. While the journey hasn't been all sunshine and flowers there has been a lot of rain but lucky for me I know how to use an umbrella and didn't let the rain deter my path. All I want is to to a volunteer so I knew no matter the destination my commitment would not falter. So after almost a month of uncertainty and some wallowing (love seeing how happy all my fellow volunteers are in China but still crazy to think I could of been there) I have gotten another and final invitation to serve as a Health Volunteer in the beautiful Central America country, Nicaragua!

While there remains a wait, I don't depart till March 2015, I strongly believe this is where I am meant to go. Also, things happen for a reason, some of those reasons take a bit to come to light and the spotlight has definitely shined down on a very amazing reason for my delay. I have a new job, waitressing at my favorite tap house brewery, whoa do I have a new appreciation for servers. In addition, I am seeing a change in myself I wasn't sure I was capable of in a long time. I'm taking chances, some may say a leap and while the feeling is nerve racking, I know it will be worth it. We can't alter our pasts, nor would I want too; I am who I am today because of the course that has led me here. We can't predict the future, sure do I know I am leaving in March yes, but why worry about something that isn't here yet, just have to live in the present. A present that I hope to continues to be positive and rewarding.

I've never taken sailing lessons, so do I expect the next half of year to be smooth sailing, NOPE, however I have faith although there may be downs I'm sure there will be ups to balance it out and make the journey worthwhile. So while I wanted my blog to divulge my travel adventures, for the rest of the year I will just have to share my experiences as I explore this world as a waitress, as I continue my passion for running + races and hopefully getting back into the book community as a book blogger.

This quote is wise and true but I'd like to add people can be hybrids of this saying, some are both you are blessed to have them in your life and day in and out they teach you, they inspire you and they support you. Remarkable people are a rare breed and I am so fortunate so have an amazing group of them surrounding me through out this journey <3

Learn & Appreciate Those Around You

I have said before I am a strong believer people come in and out of your life for a reason. Some choose to stick around, others don't have a choice when they leave and then there are those who walk away simply because they weren't meant to stay. It is okay to be hurt, to be angry, to feel insecure but try to see the purpose. Maybe you taught them, or they taught you or you were two people going through similar phases in your life and one is moving onto a new chapter. Life's lessons have a mysterious way of presenting themselves just continue to learn from them. And if we are really fortunate some people in our lives will be a hybrid of a lesson giver and blessing <3

Just Smile

It is so easy to get mad when things don't go your way. It is so easy to cry when frustration consumes you. Yet, both anger and sorrow drain you of your energy. So rather smile about the blessings you do have and be thankful that shows how strong you are. That is what I am going to do....I may not be in China today like my fellow volunteers but I will smile for them and be excited for the new opportunity about to come my way! Hope you all shred a smile today 

This week is supposed to be the week my placement officer gives me my country offer. I realize I said the same thing last week as I had thought was the case; clearly was mistaken. But, I spoke with Hannah on Thursday and she said early this week she would program details and expectations for a country post for me to look over and decide whether to accept. I am slightly afraid I stuck my foot in my mouth and let my frustration speak. I was asked my preferences Latin America or somewhere else, be a health volunteer or a teacher. And my response was I am openminded for anywhere, granted I have taken spanish for close to 10yrs so picking that up would be easiest; however the only factor that mattered to me was earliest departure. Are you shaking your head at me, probably as I am after rereading our emails. I just don't want to wait till beginning of the year when there are the most available open slots for programs. 

If fate decides that I am not meant to depart till January I shall accept it but in the mean time I'd like to do something work wise I enjoy; not just work to have a job. Another volunteer has inspired me to look into picking up moving to another state or heck country and search there. She is going to Australia for 6months and hopes to find employment there until her departure in Jan. Talk about brave, exciting, adventurous, etc. I want to do something similar. I have already given up my job and recreational memberships around me, I feel if I do not depart end of Summer that is another sign I need a change in scenery. Okay so I shouldn't think too much until I receive word this week. 

Last note:

I am so overwhelmed with love from those who have reached out and even offered for me to come getaway with you. Your offer is being considered and I hope to visit each of you if time and money allow this summer :) I am blessed to have friends like you! 

Thinking Too Much

If I hadn't thought it I sure am now convinced I am in major need of finding a summer job. These past few days my mind has been racing with mixed thoughts positive and negative, anxious and nervous, depressed and hopeful. All my friends and family work during the day leaving me by myself. My routine consists of going to the gym, laying out getting and watching the World Cup games. 

Today I was suppose to board a plane for LA and tomorrow is China 20 orientation day before departure Friday for China :( while I am still here in Maryland. Last week I prepped with organizing my luggage as well tying up some ends, ends that now frayed because of me opening my mouth. I definitely would have gone about some things differently last week if I had known I wasn't leaving. But the invention of time travel has not been perfected thus I must deal with the repercussions. I like to think of myself as being honest, however, sometimes my honesty is a tad too much. I haven't figured out how to sugarcoat all of it yet. People will either respect it or they won't accept it. A couple people have surprised me they really had expected/banked on me departing this week now a shift in our connection is present. It happens with any friendship right? Some can grow forward as where others grow apart. And besides it is better recognizing it now rather than hopes being let down while I am aboard. 

Yesterday I went climbing for the first time in almost 2weeks it felt amazing. Although I need to conserve my money renewing my membership would be for the best. Climbing is such a great way to clear your mind while also getting an amazing workout. As you all can see from this post my thought process is all over the place. I feel a tad lost. Just have to hold strong to my faith. Things will play out the way they were meant too! 

I am thinking a mini week getaway is in order. Go visit a friend out of state, get away from my room that is almost empty and family who means well but pities me. Hmm where to go, MA, NC, GA or am I feeling carefree enough to go all way cross country to WA + CA? The friends that have stuck it out with me and continue to be there even if some time passes in between contact, are just the people I need to getaway too/with! 

Waiting Game

I have a feeling this week is going to go painfully slow. Received an email from my placement officer, now I am to expect a call in a few days once she has had the time to evaluate my application files and skill set. Fingers crossed I get some insight by this weekend. Now on to my do-list:

1. Call Rosetta Stone explain the situation hope they let me return/exchange my Mandarin
2. Try to find short-term employment options for the time being
3. Renew my gym membership by another month
4. Look into upcoming mud runs
5. Plan beach weekend getaway

Okay all I need now is motivation to get those completed. I feel like I am sitting still as everyone around me continues to progress. I could have never known I would not being going to China. Just like the other volunteers getting transferred we all are in a tight spot. No job, rooms packed up and some even sold their cars.

Today is one of those bad days that the quote above describes. The weekend kept me busy; thus keeping my mind off the situation. But, as I sit at Starbucks while my friends and family are at work and think "wow I'd be flying out tomorrow to LA for staging" I am bummed.

So what do I do, I turn to pintrest to find motivational quotes that remind me to fight off the blues and welcome the unknown. I mean without going back to the starting line how do I expect to reach the finish? Waiting is frustrating but at least I have something worth waiting to hear about! I apologize in advance to my family and friends for my up and down mood the rest of this week. I cannot thank you all enough for being there for me your words of support and or distraction are just what I need to get up this hill.

Patience and Mystery

Today marks the start of a new week.  A Peace Officer is suppose to call today to get the ball back rolling to find me a country post. A new adventure will be determined. I am hopeful, I am patient and I am a heck of a lot curious where I may end up!

I am still reeling from a fabulous going away party yesterday with family and friends. Time after time  my family and friends amaze me. Their understanding, their support and their concern overwhelm me I am blessed for each and every one of them. It was hard trying to explain to everyone the situation I find myself in, no longer traveling to China. However, their words of positivity and their actions to help ensure I enjoyed myself rather than stressing was uplifting.

While yesterday was suppose to be a celebration of my departure and I dreaded going delivering the change in plans, it turned out to be exactly what I needed! We able to still celebrate my commitment as a PC volunteer but some individuals also showed me the lengths of their support and commitment to me as a friend. My shoulders may be heavy with anxiousness and uncertainty of what is next, but my heart is full of pure joy and appreciation :)

Anxious, excited and patient! Come on phone call. A new door of possibilities has been open for me, now I am ready to explore my options can't wait to share them with my family and friends :)

What Lies Ahead .......

I am apart of known as the "China 20" class , who are all extraordinary people. Over these last couple months I was continually being introduced to new people as well as befriended quite a few. However, the cards were not in my favor to stay with them on their journey to China. As soon as we were notified that the number of volunteers being sent to China had to be cut, I had a feeling it was a sign I wasn't meant to go; I almost volunteered myself up willingly to be transferred to another post. Yet, the idea of China and the people I would be volunteering with, made me hold off. Nonetheless it was never my decision to make. While I am disappointed and feel like I am back to square 1 in the unknown of where I'll be sent, I am more appreciative of the opportunity to be a Peace Corps volunteer in general.

I have faith the China 20 group and I will continue this journey together; although separate countries we can exchange stories/experiences, maybe couch surfing at one another's posts and support each other through out the course of our service.

I have to be honest I am battling some self doubt, but still I know I am strong enough for this process and what the PC has in store me and will continue to be 110% committed to their goals. The Peace Corps has been my dream, 1 road block won't change my mind. Monday a placement officer will call me to discuss my technical skills and my options for service, also providing possible departure dates. Fingers crossed I don't have to wait too long. There are posts departing in August and September, 2-3months delay isn't ideal but will only benefit me. Allowing myself time to read up on my future host country and preparing for my service.

I refuse to let negativity consume me. There is a destination that is waiting for me and holds such adventure and opportunities! I have to believe wherever I end up will be amazing because no matter what I am still apart of a spectacular community.

Can one be Optimistically Realistic? That is how I consider myself

As I continue to wrap my mind around my departure, accepting the unknown, going into this experience open-minded lacking expectations. Wouldn't anyone rather be surprised by discoveries than let down by too high of expectations? The reality of my future service is 27months is a lengthy duration. The last time I went abroad was nowhere near even half this time. Some people who kept in contact with me back then definitely weren't the people I had expected; hence trying not to set any this time. I am a strong believer people come in and out of your life for a reason. Some may stick around longer than others, some may not have a choice but to leave, whereas some do not wish to stay around. Either way no hard feelings, sure maybe some sadness but the emotion that should be emphasized the most is gratitude! It may take some time for realization to set in the purpose or what the mark that person made in your journey called life, yet, everyone we meet small or big role has played a role steering our path.

A really great song with a thoughtful and valid words that I couldn't have said better to express how the past couple of nights have gone and what I expect the next few leading up to my flight....

"Everything Will Change" by Gavin Degraw

Hey, before it gets too late
Before the night is over, before the world’s awake
Everything will change
Hey, I feel it coming on
Starting like a fire, tonight you lit the flame
Now everything will change

Back when it used to hurt
Took you a little while just to find the words
Losing, well, it sometimes burns, but you keep moving on
You’ve got to grow strong like you’re leading the nation
Got to make the best out of this situation
Get your hands up like it’s a celebration
And you keep moving on

I will remain positive, that those who wish share in this adventure with me will stay in touch. I am also looking forward to the friends I make along the way! Although the realist individual in me, knows life gets busy, complicated, full of distractions that all I wish is for the best to all my friends while I am away. Wish them happiness in love and career, good health and those that may feel lost at the present time, find the path they are meant to travel :)

Like I have mentioned before, without change progress growth cannot happen. Thus, this experience is not only a door opening opportunity to my future career path, but a chance to grow; to grow intellectually, culturally, maturation and spiritually.

If you all haven't noticed my blog posts are definitely going to be random haha I mean this is my online journal! I have nothing to hide and appreciate the chance to share every trip, lesson, emotion, accomplishment, trial & error etc. with you <3

Is China to be or not to be? Answer to be determined.......

Today is the day we find out for sure, whether China is our final destination or if the cards have shifted and different journey is on the horizon! 5pm that is the time I will constantly be checking my clock for. Heck who am I kidding, every email notification I will be popping open checking for word from our Country Director; hopeful that I will hear "Make sure your bags are packed we will see you in China next week!" I believe everything happens for a reason. If we don't learn from the experiences thrown are way than how do we grow? Wherever I am sent I know the adventure will be life changing.

I just hope Rosetta Stone understands if I need to exchange my language set haha.

5 days, 5 nights what to do during those times hmmm.......Going away party is set for this Sunday but other than that I just hope to enjoy my time with my family as much as I can, especially a couple Sister Dates. 22 Jump Street is definitely going to happen, also thinking Aquarium needs to go on the to-do list! Last weekend had the chance to venture to the Washington D.C zoo and it was a blast! Perfect weather and  just as amazing company. Was able to see an adorable baby panda roll around, some nifty turtles and extremely large so ugly they're cute tortoise, active seals and the infamous elephants! By far one of my favorite Sunday Fundays! Also picked up some fun, cute souvenirs for my host family :)

The hardest concept that I have had to come to accept is being without my mini-me. Yet, having a younger sister pushes me to try my hardest to make her proud and set a good example. I hope my experiences/service abroad inspires and push her to find her own calling as she continues to breeze through high school onto college. I am beyond excited to share my endeavors with her and the rest of my family and friends.

Wow almost done my post and I just realized it is Friday the 13th oh the irony haha! Hope everyones' day isn't too crazy. 

ETD: Estimated Time of Departure = 1week!

A week before departure and the realization of my absence from family and friends for 27months still hasn't sunk in. Emotions are mixed between so much excitement, I feel like a kid before christmas anxious to see what is in store. Then nervous like waiting at a doctor's office for test results. Although, a road block just surfaced and 7 people from our China 20 class will not be able to travel with us, I am staying optimistic that we all we share our Peace Corps experiences with one another no matter the country of service. Because lets face it, it is not the country we are posted in that makes our journey worth while, it is the service we will be doing, the people we will meet and the culture we get to explore.

I did not pick China, nor if I had the option to choose I wouldn't have picked there; however, over the last couple months I have had time to read up on the culture, the etiquette, food, etc as well befriending some fellow volunteers set to travel with me. Now, if you asked me I wouldn't want to go anywhere else. Yet, fate will have to decide. Tomorrow we all will find out if we are definitely departing next Friday for China. Will keep my fingers crossed, of course. But will I be appreciative to be a PC volunteer either way, of course. What is meant to be, will be!

Whether I head to LA next Wednesday, or my departure is delayed a couple months, my going away party is this Sunday :) I am humbled by the amount of people who are willing to come out to see me off on my travels. I know some are not supportive, some are confused by my choice, some it doesn't phase and others are completely on board; no matter what category you fall in I respect your opinion. I will still continue to share my adventures with you in hopes you all will see why this is a chapter I want to write so badly. Now that isn't to say there will not be errors and well in life there is no spellcheck to make it an easy fix but with obstacles comes satisfaction of conquering those challenges.

In 1 day I find out if China is my set destination, if so, in 1 week I head to the other side of the globe and begin on a blank sheet.